Sunday, September 30, 2012

Regret

My biological father contacted me a few years ago... I remember how happy I was; I'd always wanted to meet and talk to my dad. But.... I never did anything about it. Never kept in touch, never visited. My father couldn't visit me because he was on dialysis after his kidneys failed.

He finally got a kidney transplant a couple weeks ago... and it's not working. He doesn't qualify for a new transplant.

If I lose him, I will never forgive myself. I don't want it to be too late. I don't have the money for an emergency trip out there.

I don't know what to do.


Life Is Hard

I've been waking up from nightmares and crying uncontrollably. I'm not made to handle my dad's failing kidney transplant, not seeing my kid for 3 months, his dad's radiation therapy, and the stress of trying to figure out how to figure in dance, all at once.

So... I quit the team. I deleted my Facebook page. My nervous system is extremely fragile right now, and I need as much rest as possible. The only problem is I'm just not getting it. I can't sleep; I have nightmares.

Last night it was an apocalypse dream again. There is nothing more heartbreaking than watching the world around you being torn apart and not having your child with you or know what is going on with your family. I woke up crying again. And it would be fine if the crying stopped there. But it doesn't. It continues on. Sometimes for hours.

As much as I hate taking medication, I could really use an anti-anxiety right now.

I just don't understand how I can get what I want and that's when the world throws everything it has at me.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Guilt

The best thing about posting vague statuses about people is that you get a flood of people who feel like you were talking about them.

No I wasn't talking about any of you who are so upset at me. I was talking to someone who I knew when I lived in Payson. But obviously you are guilty of doing what I said so instead of lashing out at ME, maybe you should look inside yourself.

But that would take a person having a brain.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Great Week

I'm stressed out. My dad is in the hospital and he's not doing well, I'm tired and hurting, and have to deal with the fact that the "person I'm supposed to talk to about everything" completely ignores me on a day to day basis unless he wants something.

Pretty much sick of always being number 2 when I have things going on that I need help with. It's awesome.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Dance Vid

Keep in mind that this is at 2 in the morning. My brain was shot, my hair was shot, my face was shot. It also didn't help that I was making weird facial expressions. 




Monday, September 10, 2012

Dancing

When I was in high school I was in drama, choir, and dance. I loved to dance. I figured that since my voice didn't really need any work, that I would focus on dancing instead. I quit choir and took dance. This made my mom pretty unhappy, but I don't see why. Dance was pretty much the best thing that ever happened to a teenage me.

I made dance company my senior year of high school, and on an average day I would dance about 3-6 hours a day. Which is awesome. I would sleep 8.5 hours a night. Also awesome.

Dance is my favorite form of expression. My life has always been about music, but I have always felt that it should have been about dance.

Which is why I'm super stoked to be on the NightSneak gogo team!!! Say what you like but I wouldn't say anything until you see us dance. Those girls freaking ROCK!!!! They're all so talented and funny, sweet and outgoing. YAY! I love meeting awesome people!!

Friday, September 7, 2012

WOW. Chicks Are Crazy

You've gotta read this.

I've been hearing stories like this recently.

Women, please wake up and stop being crazy.

Psycho Girl

Thursday, September 6, 2012

I Dated A Murderer

Well, I dated this guy BEFORE he murdered anyone, but still! You never think you're gonna date someone that's gonna kill somebody.

He told me he was a sociopath and that didn't really fly with me, so we stopped seeing each other after about a week.

I remember seeing on the news that they had found the killer of a very publicized case, and when I saw the picture I freaked. He killed that man in cold blood. The story is really quite sick.

You just don't know people, ya know?

Absence

I've got a few great posts coming a little later today, but I wrote this to apologize for my absence. I just haven't had good enough material in the past few days to write anything worth reading.

BUT LO!

Pleasurable reading is coming soon.